Personal vs. Internal

A lesson that is continuously finding its way into my life and awareness. Maybe because I haven’t fully accepted and committed to it…yet. From one of my all time recommended books The Four Agreements, which I’ve read twice and refer back to from time to time, I would say this is the hardest agreement… For me at least. I feel so deeply. I don’t always show it, but I do. I also make it a point to always be polite to people. Whether we’re friends, acquaintances, or strangers. I may not be the most outgoing or sociable person but I am always, always, always polite, whether I personally care for you or not. Manners have been instilled in me since I can remember and my parents till this day remind me of the fundamentals like I haven’t heard them for the past 26 years of my life. I’m a self proclaimed hippie, and my close friends tease me about it, but I really just want to spread love man. I want to see everyone around me doing well, and I also push and encourage my loved ones because I too enjoy that support. I have a hard time grasping the concept of truly being in negative competition with someone. Friendly, maybe but to the core jealous competition? Don’t get it. I believe there’s a lane for everyone because I believe that we all have our own path. 

I’m the loudest cheerleader, the shoulder to cry on, the one who will tell you what you need to hear and not what you want to hear, so when I realize weak links…I get bothered, and in turn take it personally. I’ve found myself question whether or not I’ve done something, or maybe if I haven’t done enough. These questions will run you ragged-only if you care of course. My best friend is constantly telling me something along the lines of what Don Miguel Ruiz said… That it’s never personal. It’s always internal. How a person may feel towards you really has nothing to do with you and everything to do with how they’re feeling about themselves, or what they’re dealing with behind closed doors, maybe even subconsciously and they’re not even aware of it. Easier said than understood and accepted though. How someone reacts to you is also based on what they believe, how they feel, and whatever agreement they’ve agreed to within. It’s my automatic defense mechanism to close in and shut people out just out of fear of giving too much of myself because that’s the kind of person I naturally am, but that hinders more than it helps. I realize that I am who I am for a reason and the personality that I have, is also for a reason. It’s meant to be shared. It’s not meant to be suppressed, just like everyone else’s. So, be yourself. Kill people with kindness. Treat others how you want to be treated, and if it’s not appreciated, there is a lesson to be learned, and growth from the experience to be had, and when people say it’s not you, it’s me… Believe them.

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